


Tobi Akatsuki - The Fuckening

by why_is_this_a_thing_now



Series: let's do teh time warp again [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe of an Alternate Universe, Crack Fic, Humor, M/M, Other, Short Chapters, actually you know what i'm just gonna call it, entirely based on my own au and the "this man fucks" meme, last chapter has actual kakaobirin in it so enjoy, no actual fucking, sukea shows up for one scene and throws the entire akatsuki into a panic just like the troll he is, the first eight chaps are all because of kakobi, tobi you sweet ignorant fool you've got a big storm coming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-05
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2020-06-11 10:45:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19535083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/why_is_this_a_thing_now/pseuds/why_is_this_a_thing_now
Summary: Deidara shrinks back, but holds his ground. Hidan slowly inches away from the bomber.“So you’re telling me,” Konan starts, looming over the boy, “that this man fucks.”---Deidara has an epiphany about his annoying partner, and the Akatsuki will never be the same afterwards.





	1. This Man Fucks

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [To Be Given A Second Chance (God, We Didn't Ask for This)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19221133) by [why_is_this_a_thing_now](https://archiveofourown.org/users/why_is_this_a_thing_now/pseuds/why_is_this_a_thing_now). 



> This is an AU of my other fic, To Be Given A Second Chance (God We Didn't Ask for This). It's set after Rin, Obito, and Kakashi settle into their chosen roles but before Naruto and the other kids are in the picture. Tl;dr, kamui-fueled time travel leads to a fix-it fic with extra shenanigans, focused on Team Minato (minus Minato).
> 
> Obito/Kakashi/Rin is implied because that's the pairing I had in mind when I wrote this, but Rin doesn't show up for this fic at all. Hell, Kakashi's barely in it, and everything is his fault in the first place.
> 
> This is a crack fic (ish) that I started and finished while I was writing chapter two of its original inspiration. God help me, I've already written some of its sequel (this time with more Rin!)

**Mr & Mr Smith Meme Cute**

The sudden lack of noise assaulting his ears drags Deidara’s attention back onto the person he’s been steadily ignoring for the past four hours, as much as he loathes to admit his lapse in will.

Tobi has been spouting the most idiotic drivel Deidara’s ever been subjected to all day as they travelled across Water Country, and while he’s certainly relieved about the break he’s more concerned over why his chatty annoyance of a partner actually shut up. Not to mention the fact that he’s less than two seconds away from blowing the useless fool’s damn arms off, seeing as the masked child currently has his left sleeve in a death grip.

“What the hell, uhn?!” Deidara turns to glare at the point of contact, shaking his arm vigorously in an attempt to dislodge the offending hands. The menace startles back to life, practically tripping over his own feet as he starts to hop in place.

“Senpai! Senpai, we should take a break, right now! I think I see a dango shop, over by the street corner!” Tobi squeals, even higher than his usual grating pitch.

Deidara finally rips his arm away from Tobi’s gloved hands and glares up at the man practically vibrating next to him. “We just stopped, like, two hours ago!” he spits – they had been walking since before the sun had risen, and at this point all he wants to do is tell the world to fuck off for a few minutes so he can soak in the peace and quiet. Spending any more time with the overly tall chatterbox, surrounded by brainless civilians was so far from being on his to-do list that he was getting mad even thinking about it. “NO!”

Tobi whines, his bouncing increasing in both frequency and intensity, but strangely enough he doesn’t turn to pout at Deidara like he usually does whenever the blond won’t let him just run off and do whatever harebrained idea he comes up with. No, his face is definitely looking out into the midday crowd milling the dusty streets ahead of them. “Pleeeaaaaseee, senpai? Just for a little bit!”

Deidara narrows his eyes and turns to try and spot what prompted Tobi’s, now suspicious, request. “What are you playing at, hn?” he asks, his hands inching towards his pockets as Tobi finally stops his incessant bouncing and whirls to face him.

“Playing? Tobi isn’t playing at anything!” He titters nervously, his shoulders up by his ears. “Tobi is, after all, a very good –”

“Tobi?” A soft voice, just loud enough to draw their attention, halts them both in place. Deidara watches as Tobi visibly jumps, runs a quick hand through the puff of hair sticking up from his mask, and turns to the person who called out to him with his hands splayed in the air theatrically before turning to look for the source of the voice himself.

“Ah, Sukea-san!”

Deidara didn’t think that Tobi’s voice could go any higher than it was when he was trying to lie, but it seems that his partner is just full of irritating surprises today. He casts a critical eye over the people around them, immediately spotting the tall, brown haired man slipping between the other pedestrians and heading in their direction. He looked soft, for all that he was rail thin, and the wondering look on his purple painted face did nothing to alleviate Deidara’s suspicion as he approached. It was strange enough that his partner would just so happen to coincidentally run into someone he somehow knew, but the fact that it was Tobi, with the social skills of a toddler, who knew someone actually willing to interact with him was just downright unbelievable. He grabs a handful of clay discreetly as the man finally makes his way through the largest throng of people separating them, allowing for a clear line of sight.

The way the man’s face lights up in recognition is completely genuine, and the unbridled warmth in his voice keeps Deidara from actually pulling the clay out of his pocket.

“Tobi, it _is_ you!”

Huh.

Next to him, Tobi stops moving completely, seemingly shocked into stillness by the sheer joy being projected at him. Deidara doesn’t blame him, for once – the man, Sukea, apparently, is looking at him as though he hung the moon in the sky. To be completely honest, Deidara himself is feeling a little star struck, even though he’s still suspicious.

Tobi makes an interesting noise, clears his throat in a hurry, and finally recovers with a weak, “Un, Tobi is Tobi!”

His arms are still hanging in the air like useless kites, which Sukea takes immediate advantage of as he brushes past Deidara to wrap his arms around Tobi, relaxed and ignorant enough of Deidara’s presence and identity to be a civilian.

A civilian, Deidara thinks, or a very competent shinobi.

“I haven’t seen you in so long, I can’t believe you’re actually here!” The man sighs softly, burying his face into Tobi’s shoulder.

Deidara can practically feel the embarrassment radiating off of his partner, which was an emotion he’d thought the idiot incapable of up until very recently.

“It – it’s good – I mean, yes, I’m certainly here! Right now! With you?”

He also thought that he’d never see the chatterbox at a loss for words, but it seems that today is a day of firsts for them. Now, he just needs to figure out if he’ll need to get rid of a potential security breach or if he’s just stumbled onto a verifiable treasure trove of blackmail material on one of the most annoying people he’s ever had the displeasure of working with.

(He’s not sure which option he’d prefer; the moron and his unfailing hero-worship has actually managed to grow on him, somehow, but the man pushes his buttons in a way no one else has ever managed.)

“What are you doing here? I thought you said that you’d be unavailable indefinitely,” Sukea releases the masked man at last, bringing his face right up to Tobi’s, his smile still blinding in its sincerity.

Tobi visibly swallows, titling his head bashfully as his hands move to hover over the other man’s hips. Is he actually flustered? He certainly seems flustered. “Ah, weeellll, you see…”

Deidara can only come to a horrifying realization as his partner finally seems to settle his nerves and his hands on Sukea’s hips, dragging the slight man up against him. If Tobi can feel flustered, can actually understand romantic interactions between two people and reciprocate, then it’s possible that…

“Tobi fucks?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are going to be some small world changes that'll be mentioned in the fic (because it's an AU of an AU) - I'll make a note at the start of any relevant chapters of the changes. If you have further questions, shoot me a comment or whatever and I'll try to clarify things.
> 
> If you notice any mistakes, please let me know! This is all un-beta'd.


	2. Why Wouldn't This Man Fuck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kisame and Deidara have a talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's 12:08, fuckos, have another chapter. Also, I like Kisame. 
> 
> The appearances of the Akatsuki members match up to the way they're ordered in the tags.

**Circuitous Arguments Aren’t Good For Therapy**

“Kisame!”

Kisame pauses, turning to face Deidara. At the look on the blond bomber’s face, he waves Itachi forward and resettles Samehada against his shoulders, readying himself for a long rant.

He rarely sees the young man so caught up in something, and while the two of them aren’t particularly close, Kisame isn’t unused to being the Akatsuki’s pseudo-therapist when needed. Apparently, he has a trustworthy face. Deidara certainly looks like he needs some help, what with the way he’s tugging at his hair and wearing a scowl that would look more natural on Kakuzu.

“Yeah,” he acknowledges, tone flat but not unkind.

The younger man takes no notice, coming to stand next to Kisame’s larger frame and wringing his hands violently in front of him. He makes an inarticulate noise of affronted rage as Kisame waits for him to gather his thoughts.

“He –” the bomber starts, cuts himself off with a sharp jerk of his arm, and restarts. “How much do you know about Tobi?”

Kisame narrows his eyes at the top of the blond’s head, and cautiously answers, “Just about as much as anyone else here, assuming they’ve actually made the effort to talk to him.”

Deidara distractedly waves his biting tone aside. “Yeah, sure. Do you know if he has anyone? Like, romantically?”

This… is not where Kisame had thought this was going. He pauses, thinking back to try and see if he could recall any mention of another person from his friend. “Hm, maybe?” he hedges. “Why?”

Deidara’s hands return to his hair, and Kisame’s pretty sure he actually manages to pull some out. “Su- Tobi- he… There was a man. Who knew Tobi? And hugged him?”

Tilting his head, Kisame attempts to fit this new information into what he knows of his friend. He _can_ make it fit, but he’s never really thought about it before.

Deidara continues on, regardless of Kisame’s brief internal puzzlement, “And he was suspicious, wearing a coat. Not annoyed. But his face? Was just so happy? He – he got _flustered_?” He looks up at Kisame. “Is he even _allowed_ to get flustered?”

Now Kisame was lost. “Who, Tobi or this mystery man?” A suspicious person?

Hands spread out in an absent show of fanfare, “Tobi! He’s not allowed to know how to be flustered, right?!”

“Why would he not be allowed to know how to be flustered?” Kisame’s starting to worry about Deidara – none of them could really be called perfect representations of mental health, but fixating so closely on his partner’s supposed imposed restrictions was a step farther from what Kisame would deem optimal, especially for their demolitions expert. “Hey,” he starts, holding his hands out in front of him in a nonthreatening gesture, “are you okay?”

“NO!” He definitely pulled out some of his hair. “HE’S NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW HE’S GETTING HIT ON!”

Blinking, Kisame takes a second to try and reason through why that would be the case. Sure, he’s aware that the other members of the Akatsuki see Tobi as more of an annoying cling-on than an actual person, but he can’t quite see how far the disconnect goes. A lot farther than he originally thought, if Deidara’s having such an issue with his partner experiencing something as basic as romance. Maybe…

“Do you have a crush on him?”

“Unh?!” Deidara somehow manages to pull himself together long enough to look more affronted than panicked. “Where the hell did you get that from?! No! He’s just - he’s not allowed!”

Kisame stares.

Deidara gestures even more frantically.

“He’s like a tall child! He’s not allowed to know what stuff like _flirting_ is!”

“Deidara, Tobi is just as much of an adult as you are,” Kisame starts, then swiftly changes tactics when Deidara’s face goes red with anger. “He’s been your partner for a while – you go on missions together, kill people together. You know he’s not actually a child.”

“That’s – different,” the blond grimaces. “Anybody can kill a person. That’s not the issue here.”

Kisame kind of thinks that it is, if not _the_ issue, than most certainly _an_ issue, but Deidara slams right over his train of thought in a hurry to spit out what’s been plaguing him all evening.

“He’s not allowed to fuck!”

Groaning in despair, Kisame feels like he’s trying to help a boulder work through its problems instead of a person. Compounding the fact that this entire conversation could be called circular at best with the fact that he also has absolutely no desire to think of his friend in such a regard leaves him feeling like the entire ordeal is a sucker punch to his already thin tolerance for bullshit.

Deidara, clueless to the heavy burden he’s putting on Kisame’s patience, stares desperately up at the tailless tailed beast, on the verge of frustrated tears.

Pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration, Kisame grinds out, “Deidara. Tobi is a fully grown man. There is no reason he would not be allowed to fuck.”

Deidara wails, sounding like the broken, dying man he would actually be if Kisame wasn’t a damn sage in terms of temperament, collapsing dramatically against the wall of the cave and slamming himself onto the ground in a truly impressive temper tantrum.

God, if Kisame has to deal with another pointless round of ‘No!’ ‘Yes!’ he really is going to snap and kill someone. Regardless of whether or not Tobi actually fucks, his friend will have no compunctions about fucking _him_ up if Kisame makes him deal with starting up the recruiting process again. Steeling his gaze straight ahead, well above any collapsed blonds who make him want to start punching things, he brushes through the door and into the tunnels at last, not looking back until the sounds of Deidara’s anguish fade enough to no longer make his ears bleed. He just needs to get back to his room, spend some time with his own kind, _quiet_ partner to recover from this latest bout of stupidity.

Sometimes, Kisame wonders if he and Itachi are the only sane ones in the Akatsuki.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note that Kisame is totally biased when it comes to anything Itachi.


	3. Can I Use The Fact That This Man Fucks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Itachi makes his bid as the most connected housewife of the Akatsuki.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AU notes: Itachi still has his declining health, but the Uchiha Massacre and the circumstances surrounding his departure from Konoha are a bit different. This shouldn't have any impact on the story, though.

**Tea and Gossip Go Together**

Throughout the years Itachi has spent working in the Akatsuki, having a partner who was dependable, predictable, and most importantly agreeable was a luxury he hadn’t anticipated when he’d left Konoha. Kisame has become something of a touchstone for him, as steady as a rock in a den of excitable killers, and Itachi wouldn’t hesitate to call him his friend if he hadn’t met the large blue man in the organization he’s been assigned to spy on for the indefinite future. Even so, there are moments where Itachi feels as though, if he just focuses on the present and ignores the world around him for a moment, they’ve already become friends.

Kisame, he knows, certainly already feels that way, but he’s a lovable idiot who doesn’t have all of the information Itachi does.

Itachi has never really been one for gossip, but seeing as it has become vital to his current mission, he’s found that it isn’t all that bad to listen in on what rumors are occupying people’s heads. Especially, he thinks as he feels a familiar chakra approach his door, unsettled with irritation, if his source isn’t wholly objectionable.

Though the act of heaving himself out of his seat takes more effort than he is comfortable with, Itachi makes his way over to his door just as his partner knocks, opening it and allowing Kisame entrance with a simple incline of his head.

Itachi wordlessly raises a brow when his partner slumps into his usual seat with a long groan, hands over his eyes. Sitting is somehow even more of a chore than standing was, so he’s glad that Kisame’s eyes are covered – it wouldn’t do to incur Kisame’s worry, especially not when it looks as though he has more than enough on his plate already.

Pouring out a second cup of tea and taking a sip before passing it over to his partner, the two sit in silence as Itachi waits for Kisame to gather his thoughts. He wraps his hands back around his own warm cup, content, and takes a sip.

Kisame ends up letting his head fall to the table before he finally manages, “Why wouldn’t Tobi be allowed to fuck?”

Itachi chokes on his tea. Out of the wide range of issues he’d expected Deidara to bring up when the blond bomber had flagged Kisame down not ten minutes ago, this was certainly not one of them.

Mistaking Itachi’s momentary lapse in composure as something else entirely, Kisame peers up at him with wide eyes. “Please don’t tell me that you think he’s not allowed to, too!” He sounds desperate.

Clearing his throat hastily, Itachi shakes his head. “You just caught me off guard. Why on earth would you ask that?” Kisame narrows his eyes at him, and Itachi lets out an exasperated huff. “What the man does with his personal time is up to him – I don’t really think that my having an opinion would really matter one way or another.”

After a few more seconds of suspicious glaring, Kisame relents and drops his head to the table once more. “Deidara was convinced that Tobi, for some reason, was incapable of… anything to do with that, it sounded like,” he looks like a disgruntled cat. “He spent the entire conversation having a breakdown over the fact that, uh, he had to watch someone flirt with Tobi and actually get their meaning across, I guess.”

Itachi makes a sound of interest to let Kisame know that he was still listening, but his mind is whirling at the seemingly useless information. Tobi is one of the most frustrating members of the Akatsuki for him; the man was no one. He isn’t in any of the Bingo Books, no one knows where he came from, and it is all but impossible to get any information from the man himself, seeing as he acts like a child at all times, even in the middle of missions.

Itachi’s long had suspicions about the possibility of the man possessing at least one Sharingan, but he isn’t anywhere close to confirming or debunking his feeling, let alone finding out if Tobi came by it naturally (if he has it at all) or if he should be watching out for his own eyes. Dealing with another Orochimaru situation would be annoying, especially since it seems like his partner has actually gotten somewhat attached to the orange wearing enigma.

If the least documented missing-nin in the Akatsuki, who holds an unknown amount of power and acts more as an agent of chaos than for any higher meaning, is susceptible to seduction, then…

Itachi reaches out to rest a comforting hand on Kisame’s shoulder – while he’s never been fond of touch, his partner seems to revel in it, so it’s not too much of a hardship to sacrifice some of his personal space every once in a while to keep him happy. Plus, the blue man may have unwittingly given him an in on an issue Itachi otherwise wasn’t even going to bother trying to crack. He owes him this much, and that it will encourage his partner to come to him in the future when he inevitably gets stressed by even more information on the subject is really just a happy coincidence.

Belatedly, Itachi wonders who Konoha will try to send on that particular mission; he’s never thought of his fellow Akatsuki member in such a focus, so he knows that he won’t be much help in recommending effective strategies.

He supposes he’ll just hear about it from Kisame later. Since he much rather prefers to enjoy spending time with his blue partner, Itachi pats his shoulder again in a quiet assertion that everything will be alright. He’ll stare at whoever tries to bother Kisame next with stupid issues until they leave, just until his partner calms down.

Judging by the way Kisame’s frame eventually softens enough to melt sadly onto the tabletop, he feels as though his message was received loud and clear, and Itachi looks forward to the upcoming hour of companionable quiet.

Really, Itachi thinks to himself as he pushes the cooling mug of tea into Kisame’s arm when the other lets out a sad moan, they could be the best of friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Itachi totally has a reputation as a gossip monger.


	4. How Can This Man Fuck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hidan brings up a new question, then doesn't like his answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTE: THIS IS A DOUBLE UPDATE!
> 
> Chapter 5 is hella short, so I'm giving you both today.

**Unexpected Team Bonding Isn’t Always a Good Thing**

“What the fuck’s your problem?” Hidan asks, kicking at the blond piece of trash sprawled pathetically on the floor of the shithole usually reserved for pointless meetings.

“Go the hell away, uhn!” is the muffled reply he gets, the useless lump barely even moving.

Pissed off, Hidan aims another kick at the bomber. “Not until you tell me what the fuck crawled up your ass and died, ‘uhn’.” 

Deidara takes his second kick with a satisfying crack and dodges out of the way of the third as the long haired bastard finally sits up.

“What the hell’s wrong with you?! Don’t ask people questions and then break their nose immediately after unless you’re interrogating them!”

“Whatever,” Hidan scoffs. “What the fuck,” he repeats, because apparently the blond’s as dumb as he looks, “is your problem.”

Cupping a hand under his bleeding nose, Deidara tilts his head back, trying to act all high and mighty. “I,” he starts before promptly chocking on what Hidan assumes is a mouthful of blood.

Hidan waits patiently. For all of three seconds.

“Stop fucking kicking me!” Deidara snarls, spitting blood at Hidan.

“Stop laying on the floor, then,” he taunts, pointedly stepping around the new blood splatter and closer to the annoying twit. It’s always fun pushing prissy idiots until they start cursing like normal people.

Wobbling his way up to lean heavily against the wall, Deidara spits some more blood before sneering, “I might as well get your opinion on this, since you’re bugging me about it.” He shoves a bloody finger in Hidan’s face. “Tobi,” he says, acting like he’s issuing a challenge even though it’s probably why he was rolling around on the floor like a worm a second ago, “is not allowed to fuck.”

Hidan immediately bursts out laughing.

“ _Thank_ you!” Deidara explodes, flailing at Hidan. “I fucking – I knew it was impossible the second I thought it, but Kisame thinks that he’s allowed to!”

“Forget about allowed to or whatever, how the fuck would he even figure out what to do?” Hidan guffaws. “He wears so much clothing all the time I bet he doesn’t even know what his own dick looks like, let alone what to do with it! How the fuck _could_ he fuck?”

Deidara squawks, looking grossed out for some reason.

“He probably wouldn’t even take off his stupid mask, who the fuck would want to get it on with someone wearing a fucking orange conch shell on their goddamn face!”

Deidara moves on from outraged to sick, shoving his hands over his ears to block Hidan out as blood drips steadily down his chin. “He’s like a kid! He can’t know what sex is!”

Hidan throws an arm around Deidara’s slim shoulders, shoving his face right next to his covered ear. “Of course he knows what sex is, the fucking lug probably just can’t figure out what to do once he gets past step one!”

“Step one,” Deidara repeats, really looking like he doesn’t want to know the answer but won’t be able to forgive himself if he doesn’t ask.

“Finding someone willing to fuck him, of course!” Hidan laughs hard enough to make himself bend over.

From where he’d been dragged forward, Deidara mumbles, “Of course.”

He sounds traumatized, which wasn’t really what Hidan was aiming for. “Ah, don’t worry your fucking head off about it,” he says, shoving his other hand into the shorter man’s hair and scrubbing hard, “it’s not like he’ll ever find anyone willing to put up with his whole useless idiot, ‘good boy’ bullshit…”

Hidan trails off, staring. Deidara looks like he’s about to throw up.

“Wait, what the fuck?” he whispers.

“I – does he actually fuck?” Deidara answers his question with a repeat of his own.

“No, he can’t, not without –” Hidan tries, only to get cut off.

“Tall, skinny, and soft. With hands,” Deidara shivers like he’s remembering something terrible. “Wandering hands.”

“Hands with no taste, apparently,” Hidan says on autopilot, but his brain feels like it stopped working twelve seconds ago. “Fuck, really?”

“Brown hair and purple makeup,” Deidara confirms gloomily. “Tobi actually stuttered. For real.”

Hidan’s actually speechless. He literally can’t imagine the constant flow of chitchat Tobi’s always spouting ever being interrupted, but then again he didn’t think it was possible for him to be eligible bachelor material at any point in history ever, so…

“… hugged him. Shoved his face into his _hair_ ,” Deidara rambles. “Tobi didn’t even get mad at him for being so close to his mask.”

“Shut the fuck up, now you’re breaking _my_ brain!” Hidan yells, a little too late, taking his arm back and shoving the bomber off of him. He slides to the ground next to Deidara a breath later, cradling his head in his hands.

“…how the fuck?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God, Hidan is fun to write.


	5. Shut The Fuck Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakuzu doesn't want to deal with this shit, so he doesn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTE: THIS IS A DOUBLE UPDATE! 
> 
> IF YOU HAVEN'T, GO READ CHAPTER 4 FIRST!
> 
> Yeah, this chapter is super short, which is why I'm dropping it at the same time as ch.4

**A Brief Break in the Pattern**

Kakuzu sweeps back into the meeting room already agitated, and pauses at the sight of two idiots all but laying on top of each other. He narrows his eyes.

“Get up, you’re late.”

Hidan’s head snaps up, and Kakuzu swears he can feel the headache developing.

“Kakuzu –” he starts, the blond next to him clutching at his hair.

“Shut up and get moving,” Kakuzu snaps, not in the mood to listen to whatever story about Jashin he’s cooked up this time.

“But Kakuzu,” Hidan tries again, ass still firmly planted on the ground.

Kakuzu curls his lip and stalks forward.

Hidan’s eyes widen, but he still tries to preach, managing to get out a short, “Tobi fuc –”

Kakuzu slams his head into the wall behind him, ignoring Deidara’s full body flinch as he uses his grip on his now unconscious partner’s head to lift him off of the ground and sling him across his shoulders.

Carting his useless teammate through the mountain, he hopes that fresh air and blunt force trauma will clear out any annoying thoughts from Hidan’s head once he wakes up. The shit he was about to go on sounded like nothing but a pain in the ass, and Kakuzu doesn’t want to deal with it so early after being assigned a mission. The last time he had been this annoyed, he’d spent an unacceptable amount of time and money trying to drink enough to forget about it.

He’s decided - Kakuzu’s just going to kill the annoying brat whenever he tries to talk about anything stupid and headache inducing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapters 7 & 8 will be another double update, since ch.8 is also real goddamn short.
> 
> All the other chapters are going to be normal updates.


	6. So You're Telling Me That This Man Fucks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Konan uses intimidation to shut down gossip she doesn't care about (so her information network will get back to something she actually cares about, please.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AU Note: Tobi's relationship with Konan and Nagato is different, with him still concealing his real identity but no longer calling himself Madara. He's set them on their current path towards peace, and the Akatsuki itself is comprised of lower level members (like the original members the Ame Trio had collected), middle/upper level members (the main Akatsuki crew, Deidara and Kisame and the like), and the management (Konan, Nagato, and secretly Tobi).
> 
> If you've got any questions about it, feel free to hmu, or just take it as a facet of a gag-fic's AU logic.

**Intimidation Works Best to Maintain Confidentiality**

One of the top members of the Akatsuki, a dangerous S-rank missing-nin, able to beat even the most uncooperative nin into either submission or the ground (though she was not opposed to doing both, just to make sure her point was well and truly made), Konan has a very telling reputation if you know where to look for it.

Something she is _not_ known for, is her tolerance for utter bullshit. This is because she tends to deal with such annoyances with just the right amount of violence and distain, repeated as many times as needed until people stopped bringing up menial and idiotic issues to her.

That’s not to say that she doesn’t enjoy a good gossip every once in a while – often times people are much looser with their information when they receive something they view as valuable in return – but the recent word within the intermediate ranks says that they are all very much preoccupied with the same thing.

Having far more than a simply competent information network even within her own organization, Konan also knows that what they’re spending valuable time and precious brain power on is the dumbest thing she’s heard in literal years – she doesn’t think that they could have chosen a less important and less interesting subject to get so invested in if they had been paid to.

Still, since it is unacceptable that some of their more… _volatile_ members could potentially be focusing more on useless rumors than their missions, she supposes that it’s up to her to put an end to the Akatsuki’s quibbling.

Such an opportunity presents itself less than a week later, less because of fortunate timing and more because the whole situation has gotten annoying. After a routine meeting consisting of after action reports, reprimands, and writing up future missions, Konan finds herself staring down at an indignant and fidgeting Hidan and Deidara. Given that these two are usually among the first to leave the room after normal meetings, and the fact that she knew this was coming, Konan knows _exactly_ what they want to talk to her about.

She stares at the two children in front of her, waiting for them to break.

“You’re,” Deidara finds his confidence first, surprisingly, “you’re in charge of discipline, right?!”

Konan counts to five, then tilts her head slightly to the right.

Deidara loses his nerve.

“You’ve gotta do something about Tobi,” Hidan picks up the slack, helping his temporary ally out (if only he would do that on missions, Konan thinks acerbically).

She raises an eyebrow.

“He’s – it’s not right that he’s allowed to f – uh,”

“Yeah, where the hell does he get off f –”

Both boys cut themselves off before they could finish their complaints. They’re probably too scared to actually curse in front of her when not in the relative safety of a planning meeting.

Konan icily stares them down. “If your concerns over Tobi’s membership stem from his perceived intelligence, I don’t think I need to remind you that such a requirement is not necessary, as you doubtlessly know.”

Both twitch violently, but do an admirable job of keeping their automatic destructive outbursts to themselves.

“That’s not what our con… that’s not what we wanted to talk about,” Hidan bit out, jabbing his elbow into the short blond next to him.

“Unfortunately, uhn,” Deidara picks up, shifting his deadly glare from Konan to the idiot whose arm may quickly be parted from his body, “Tobi’s status as a member of the Akatsuki isn’t what we have a problem with.”

His attempts at maintaining a mature air in the face of her antagonistic prodding would be commendable, if Konan hadn’t also clearly caught his muttered, _“this time.”_

Given that Tobi was able to completely break down and then rebuild her and Nagato’s plans for the Akatsuki and give them not just a compromise they could live with but a goal they could pursue, all without getting himself killed, Konan is almost certain that even if there was an intelligence requirement, Tobi would most certainly still be with in their ranks. His bizarre façade and occasional lapses in judgment and logic notwithstanding, he’s certainly got more brains to him than these two children.

At this point, after all Tobi has done and proven for the Akatsuki, Konan’s willing to lend him a few concessions in terms of presenting his real identity to the rest of the organization. She’s mostly confident that they can safely put their faith in the eccentric man, and has already let said man know that what faith she does not have, she has a promise of bloody recompense reserved just in case.

Now that she’s been working relatively closely with the young man, however, she has even less interest than ever before in his sexual habits – she just needs to impart her clarity of thought on the subject to the rest of the Akatsuki, it seems.

“Then what seems to be the issue.”

The two flinch at her tone.

“He’s too much of a, he’s not supposed to be able to actually,” Hidan tries.

“Not allowed to, suspicious that he even knows what was,” Deidara butts in, frustrated.

Konan increases the pressure behind her dead stare, making them sweat even more.

“He just can’t!” Deidara finally burst out, reaching out to shake Hidan while staring desperately at Konan.

“If neither of you actually has any legitimate concern you wish to bring up with me,” she starts, tone hard as steel, “then I suggest that you not talk to me at all.” _For your own safety_ was so strongly implied she can practically hear them both swallow nervously.

Hidan looks ready to bow out of the conversation, appropriately cowed. Deidara, having personal stakes in the so called ‘issue’, refuses to back down. Again, Konan would find his tenacity admirable if it wasn’t for such a mind-numbingly outrageous cause.

“He fucks!”

Konan turns the full brunt of her stare on him.

Deidara shrinks back, but holds his ground. Hidan slowly inches away from the bomber.

“So you’re telling me,” she starts, looming over the boy, “that this man fucks.”

Deidara looks terrified. “… ye – s?” he chokes out.

“And why does this concern me?” she asks, unforgiving.

“Well, it’s because,” Deidara flounders.

“Why, for that matter,” she continues, “does this concern you?”

A flash of sadistic humor has him flinching back hard enough to run into Hidan’s hunched form.

“If you came to me concerning relationship advice,” she growls out.

Dual squeaks of terror precede the expedient exit of two of the continent’s most feared missing-nin. Konan can almost feel the reluctantly impressed respect emanating from the dark crevice their known Uchiha has chosen to make a nest in tonight, even more of a gossip monger than herself.

Konan smirks in victory. She shouldn’t be hearing about any more useless distractions from that front.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you were wondering, the "known Uchiha/gossip monger" is Itachi, snooping around like it's his job (oh wait).
> 
> And at last, we reach the quote from the summary!
> 
> The next update is going to be a double update, since ch.8 is like 250 words. It's also going to be the last update, since the story will be complete!


	7. Why Exactly Should I Care That This Man Fucks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Konan complains to Nagato.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AU Note: The same as last chapter, Tobi's relationship with Konan and Nagato is different. As is the actual structure of the Akatsuki.
> 
> ALSO: THIS IS A DOUBLE UPDATE! 
> 
> Ch.8 is short af, so I'm putting it up today, too.

**Internal Affairs With the Ame Duo (and Yahiko’s Memory Too, I Guess)**

Nagato looks up from last month’s ledger as Konan enters the small, well-hidden room buried deep in the cave system they’d long ago shaped into their main base. The paper-nin is pleased with herself, he thinks, though he can still feel the barest remains of irritation flickering through her chakra.

He moves the book so that she can see what they’re working with when she peers over his shoulder, accepting her quiet hum as confirmation that everything was in order. Nagato keeps his eyes on the numbers, though, since he knows that his lifelong friend will bring up whatever the issue is on her own time.

Patience was a learned skill for them, and they’ve further learned that it serves them well even in ways they didn’t first expect.

In this case, it’s kept their communication and co-leadership of the Akatsuki relatively strife free, at least from the internal management side; he’s not expecting any sort of confrontation to come to a head tonight, but he’s certainly wary of the way Konan tends to get brutally honest when irritated.

Nagato often stays quiet and lets Konan come into the conversation on her own time, mostly because that’s the safest option. Sometimes, however, a gentle push in the right direction isn’t always rebuffed.

He turns towards her, looking at her with patient eyes as she continues to scan through Kakuzu’s messy scrawls on their various financial accounts. Konan makes no sign to indicate she feels his gaze on her, since she is a ninja with far better control than a twitchy genin, but she does look away from the ledger a full thirty seconds earlier than she usually does when double checking Kakuzu’s work.

He’s still quiet as his blue haired friend heaves a sigh that sounds as though she would much rather be training her irritation out than focusing on slowly letting it go.

“The recent distraction that’s been surprisingly efficient in making us _not_ efficient should be gone within the next two days,” Konan reports.

Nagato nods, but _still_ doesn’t say anything.

Konan grimaces. “Sometimes I wonder if we really should start implementing some sort of entrance test.”

“… We do.” Nagato frowns. “We always test out potential recruits in order to determine their strengths and loyalty – you’re the one who designed over half of the rubric.”

Rubbing at her temples, Konan shakes her head. “I mean, an actual academic test. Some of the ninja we employ…”

Nagato quirks his lips in amusement. “Perhaps mandatory lessons for each member who can’t pass a baseline fundamentals test?”

Snorting, Konan tips her head back. “The promise of seeing the reactions to that particular decree would almost be worth the trouble it would end up being.”

Nagato shrugs – the idea, for all that he knows Konan and Yahiko would like it, was meant as more of a mood-breaker than an actionable plan to clean up and implement in the future. With the way Konan lets her head rest on top of his, he knows that he’s succeeded.

“It was about Tobi’s love life, of all things,” she despairs, her words ruffling his hair.

“… What?” Nagato blinks.

Shoving her face further into his hair, Konan elaborates, “They got upset over finding out that he is, despite popular belief, capable of fucking.”

“…… ah.” He doesn’t have any real words of consolation for Konan, too busy trying to erase the image her words had planted in his head. “How did that even come up?”

Konan snorts at his dazed tone. “What makes you think I would know? Deidara probably had an epiphany of some sort on a mission and blew everything out of proportion.”

That sounds more than plausible to Nagato, and he wonders yet again if she’ll ever let him in on how she knows so much about everything. Shoving the disturbing mental image of someone who is essentially their close business partner away, Nagato clicks his tongue in thought.

“Why do they care? It shouldn’t affect anyone but Deidara in any way, and even then it would be a superficial adjustment if anything needed to happen at all.” The thought of putting Deidara and Tobi on anything in the same country as a seduction mission had imaginary red numbers swimming across his vision as he imagines the compensation bills the two would inevitably incur.

Thinking more on it as Konan lets her silence speak for her, Nagato realizes. “If someone brought the rumor up to you, they obviously intended for it to go to me as well.” Konan was famous among their men for, among other things, the way she would always ensure that Nagato was up to date on all of the latest information on all of their members as loudly or threateningly as she could. It’s a power play she likes to use to remind uppity members that she always knows far more than they would like her to and that she’s not afraid to demonstrate her knowledge. She’s been doing the same thing since the two (three) of them were children.

Snapping himself back to the present, he asks, “Why exactly should I care that Tobi fucks?”

Konan hits the side of his head in warning. “If you know what’s good for you, you won’t.”

Nagato frowns. “Is likely to lead to a potential security breach?”

This time she digs her knuckles in painfully. “ _No_.”

Now Nagato was starting to panic – despite his friend’s insistence that they weren’t compromised, he still feels cold seeping down his spine at the barest possibility of having an internal leak that would send his entire world crashing to the ground once more. “How can you be sure?”

Konan wraps her arms around his head, tight enough to ground but loose enough that he could break out of her hold if he wanted to. “Even if I didn’t know that he’s definitely taken and not the type to stray for something as simple as a pretty face, I’ve personally put measures into place ensuring that he can’t betray us.”

Nagato tilts his head back at an uncomfortable angle to meet her serious eyes, pausing a second to take comfort in her steady confidence and assurance that, even if something does go wrong, there are plans in place. There are _always_ plans in place.

Closing his eyes, Nagato barks out something that could barely be called a laugh and redirects their conversation to something he knows will get her mind off of plotting the necessary downfalls of imagined traitors. “I take it no one is allowed to mention the rumor again?”

Konan narrows her eyes to glare at him hard enough that Nagato can physically feel her suspicious gaze as a grin creeps onto his face. “Not even to the man himself?”

Konan growls. It’s three kinds of terrifying and ten kinds of worth it to ensure she’s properly focused on something else. “ _Especially_ not to him. I have no idea why such a controlled man spends so much of his time flailing around like a toddler, nor do I know why you have such an incessant fascination with trying to make him act like a moron outside of his persona.” Her grip tightens, changing her reassuring hold into a headlock. “What I do know, is that it’s awfully annoying.”

Nagato gulps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nagato finds joy in trying to catch Tobi off guard to get a Genuine Idiot reaction out of him. 
> 
> Konan, because she values competency and efficiency above all else, hates this.


	8. Sir Did You Know That You Fuck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sasori plots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS A DOUBLE UPDATE! 
> 
> If you haven't read ch.7 yet, please read that first.

**Intel Gathering (Like Puppeteering) is an Art**

Slipping soundlessly away from one of the less frequently used passageways, Sasori ponders over what he’s learned.

First of all, he now knows where one of the inner meeting rooms for the upper level Akatsuki was, if not a common time for meetings to take place.

Second, Pein is far too worried about the potential security breach the fool Tobi poses if he turns against them, which means that their esteemed leader either is a moron, a paranoid moron, or knows something about Tobi that no one aside from his second in command does.

Lastly, he now knows just how easily preoccupied the lower to middle level (and the highest level, to some extent it seems) of the Akatsuki can become in the face of petty gossip.

Tipping his head to the side as he walks back to his room, the Akatsuki’s spymaster ponders just what he plans to do with this information.

…

Maybe revisiting the bumbling personality known as Tobi will yield some results, if properly taken off guard. Sasori’s certain that he can handle all the flailing in the world if it means he can dig his treads into another potential source.

Now, how to break the news to the excitable man – perhaps direct and to the point would be best.

“Did you know that you fuck?”

Yes, he thinks, that will do nicely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This feels more like an epilogue than an actual chapter to me, but it's here all the same!
> 
> This fic is now officially complete. There is a sequel in the works, but it's a complete mess right now and I don't want to post it until I actually know what I'm doing with it. Don't expect to see it any time soon.
> 
> Thank you for reading my short thought experiment fic, I hope it made you laugh!


	9. Fuck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Obito gets worked up over the wrong thing(s).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, I had to. This is really finished, though. I promise.
> 
> AU Notes: Rin's the badass jinchuuriki she was always meant to be, Kakashi, Rin, and Obito's whole relationship is a lot more chill because they've spent decades together not fighting or nonexistent or overcome with hate. Since Isobu can dimension hop, apparently, I'm giving that ability to Rin too.

**A Glimpse behind the Curtain (Mask)**

Obito sits in the middle of his kamui dimension, head in his hands. He should have known that everything had been going too smoothly, that sooner or later something annoying would come up and he would have to _deal_ with it.

Even if the way he’s been ‘dealing with it’ has been with complete and utter avoidance.

Damnit, if he’d had any idea refusing to give Kakashi that stupid lift to that stupid town in Hot Springs Country for one of Jiraiya’s terrible book signings would have led to this, he would have just taken him.

“Something on your mind, dear?”

Obito twitches.

“Come on, sunshine, don’t give me the cold shoulder. I was just _so_ excited to see you again that I forgot myself.” Kakashi, the utter asshole, drapes himself over Obito and beams directly into his face. “After I had to spend an entire month Obito-less, how was I _possibly_ supposed to hold myself back from seeing you again?”

Obito glares at the man through his fingers. “It shouldn’t have been an issue in the first place, since you weren’t even supposed to be there! You had a long term mission in Kiri, how could you have ‘coincidentally’ ran into us?”

“I got lost on the road of life,” Kakashi swoons.

“We were in Suna!” Obito snaps, only for Kakashi to cover his mouth with a gloved hand.

“And fate led me to you,” he finishes, disgustingly sincere. He presses a kiss onto the back of the hand over Obito’s mouth.

The gesture is stupid and meaningless, and Obito is most certainly _not_ blushing.

“Plus, how could I resist? Red is such a good color on you, after all,” Kakashi teases.

Obito groans, then groans louder when a sound like a popping bubble breaks the background silence of kamui itself.

“Ooh, are we making Obito blush? How far are we allowed to go this time?”

“As far as you want to, Rin,” Kakashi hums distractingly in Obito’s ear, and he can feel himself growing redder at the implication.

“I wish I never told Isobu how to get in here,” Obito grunts behind Kakashi’s palm as Rin plasters herself to his other side.

“Oh, we would have figured it out eventually even without you,” she snipes back, planting an obnoxiously loud kiss on his scarred cheek.

Kakashi, sensing Obito’s shrinking patience, moves his hand from Obito’s mouth to his hip, levering himself to sit in his lap. Rin, taking it as a challenge, hefts both of them into _her_ lap, leaving Obito sandwiched between the two people he trusts the most. Two people who seem to be highly intent on getting their hands on as much of him as possible.

Obito squeaks.

“Would you quit that? I’m trying to be mad at you!”

Rin pauses in running her hands over his sides, pouting. “But I haven’t done anything, ‘bito.”

Similarly, Kakashi’s lets his hands lightly rest on Obito’s chest. “What could you possibly be mad at us for?”

Cursing his pasty complexion, Obito tries to get his blush under control. “Not you, Rin. Bakashi, you know exactly what you did. You practically broke Deidara, and I had to do most of the work on that mission because of it.” Kakashi’s hands start slowly moving again, and Obito swallows. “Do you have any idea how annoying it would be if they started noticing that I’m not incompetent?!”

“I’ve seen how Deidara acts before; I don't need to know what happened to know he didn’t notice anything,” Rin dismisses, nosing at the side of Obito’s neck. To Kakashi, “What _did_ you do that’s got him so worked up?”

Scooting himself closer, the silver haired menace settles his hands on Obito’s legs. “Oh, nothing big. I just saw him somewhere unexpected, being _horribly_ bullied by his _mean_ senpai, and I just _had_ to make sure he knew that he was loved.”

“Ah, so it was a noble cause,” Rin validates Kakashi’s terrible decision. “I would have done the same, after seeing our precious, sweet Tobi so ruthlessly belittled.”

No she wouldn’t have. She would have tried to pummel Deidara into a paste, and then Obito would had to have dealt with the fallout after she succeeded. It’s happened before.

“It wasn’t noble, it was petty!” Obito snaps, unfairly distracted.

“Petty? How?” Kakashi blinks slowly at him, frowning slightly. Fuck, Obito never even noticed him pull down his mask.

“It, uh,” Obito trails off, his thoughts racing too fast to be coherent. He latches onto the first thing he can and runs with the half-baked fragment. “You – Deidara’s going to be even more insufferable now. He’ll keep bugging me about Sukea.”

“Then Sukea will just have to show up more often to keep the pressure off your delicate shoulders,” Kakashi says simply, pleasantly heavy on Obito’s lap.

Obito nods absently, then freezes. “No! That would just make him worse!”

At his back, Rin makes an interested sound that ruffles the hair at the nape of his neck. “Maybe the appearance of a slightly more intimidating paramour will make blondie more agreeable.”

Obito cuts off another groan. “That would be the opposite of helpful! All I need is for him to forget all about Sukea’s little stunt, so everything can go back to normal!”

“I wasn’t the only one who enjoyed our reunion,” Kakashi says dryly. “I’m sure he wouldn’t have been anywhere near as excitable if _you_ hadn’t been so… _excitable_.”

Unable to take Kakashi’s stupid eyebrow wiggling, Obito buries his head into the fabric of his flak jacket.

“But – normal!” He moans in despair. Right, definitely despair.

“Good luck with that,” Rin snorts. “If your explosive little buddy is as mouthy as I remember, he’s going to be the least of your worries.”

Obito cranes his head around to look at her. “Wait, what? _Fuck_!”

He doesn’t get an answer, because Kakashi takes the chance to make his move on Obito’s collarbone. Obito makes a sound he might be ashamed about in different circumstances, and Rin takes it as a pass to go as fast as she wants. Obito suddenly finds himself far too busy to think about the Akatsuki’s reaction to Kakashi’s stunt.

Kakashi and Rin turn out to be so distracting, he ends up not thinking about it for a good long while afterwards. Not until a pointedly interested Sasori casually corners him a week later.

“Fuck.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here, have something suggestive, I guess. It helped me fight my writers block, at least. (Kakashi likes to use pet names because he knows they annoy Obito. Rin's super overprotective and has the power of a bijuu behind her)


End file.
